Read Between The Lines.

It’s no longer just a song by Jet, that I love by the way, and it’s no longer just the title of this blog, it’s what I’ve now become. I was having dinner with Carlo last night and we got to talking about work and how we manage our employees.  I came to the conclusion that I’ve become a cold, hard bitch. Some may argue that I was already one before and that is a valid argument, but it appears that I am colder and harder than ever. I have become skeptical of all the excuses thrown my way. I can now say I’ve heard it all and believe very little of it. Unfortunately, hearing one excuse after another has a way of callusing your empathy.

I manage a relatively large team, approximately 40-50 people, two-thirds of which are older than me. They tell me about their personal lives and I care about all of them. I try to help them grow, and give them second chances when they aren’t doing the right thing. Some are receptive and responsive to my advice. Some just aren’t and I can’t have the same conversation over and over again in hopes of getting a different result each time. All I get are excuses. I know that I have to fire a few because they don’t care about work, they don’t care about what I say which means they don’t care about me. In a previous blog, I said I had to learn how to let people go; I think I’ve finally come to terms with that. It’s exactly like firing someone. If someone doesn’t care about work, you have to fire them. It’s the right thing to do. If someone doesn’t care about you, you have to let them go. It’s the right thing to do.

I know that now. And I’m ok with it. It might make me a cold, hard bitch, but at least I’m not a dumb bitch being strung along. Save your excuses for someone else.

These are the days. They always were. -K

It’s ironic how when certain aspects of your life start getting better, or going well, something has to give and suffer and/or get worse. I decided to focus my attention on my career, school and my relationship with my family. Unfortunately that doesn’t leave any time for a social calendar. However, I find it reassuring to know that I have friends who support my decisions and are genuinely happy for me. So when I’m sick and tired, tired of being sick, and sick of being tired, I’m grateful to have quality individuals in my life who are there for the best of times and the worst of times.

These are the days. They always were. -K

(I apologize in advance if I sound obnoxious and for the vanity in this blog. I’m just thinking out loud.)

As a girl I know how it is to be over critical about appearance. But lately I feel like this has been getting a little excessive. I see girls with great bodies, may it be long and slender, or full and curvy, going to the extremes to “fix” themselves when they had nothing to fix in the first place. Obviously everyone has their own perception of what’s beautiful. Sometimes my boyfriend and my family tell me I’m too thin and that I could afford to gain some weight and I agree. On the other hand, some of my girlfriends ooh and aah over how skinny I’ve gotten (not purposely) and I feel flattered. I’m torn over what I should look like. It would be great to have curves, but I know thin is in. Let’s face it… we’re not going to find a plus size model on the cover of Vogue despite how beautiful she is. At least not today or tomorrow.

My point is, we don’t appreciate what we have. Some of the cutest girls ruin themselves trying to achieve perfection. Reality check! There is no such thing. I hate it when girls get too thin and they don’t even look like the same person anymore. Their pretty faces become disproportionate and I no longer find then attractive. Or when girls wear so much makeup that it covers their face up. I thought makeup was used to enhance your face, not hide it. Or when girls get plastic surgery to augment their amazing bodies; bodies that I would aspire to have. There are so many celebrities that I could name and even girls I know personally that, in an effort to be better, have unintentionally made it worse.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Too much exercise, too much dieting, too much botox, too much surgery, too much makeup. I know, I know, it’s hard to be satisfied with what we have. I struggle with it too. I wish I had a smaller nose and a bigger butt. But most of all I wish that I can learn how to appreciate my big nose and small butt. It all boils down to our self-perception, our mentality and being insecure about ourselves. Afraid of what people will think. I think we could all go for a mini-mental-makeover because insecurity is not a good look on anyone.

These are the days. They always were. -K

As cool as I wish I were, I hate to say it, I’m a nerd at heart and I love love love learning new things. Just the other day I fixed my boyfriend’s computer because of something I learned in my Accounting Information Systems class. I felt like I was on the Bestbuy Geeksquad, and it felt good. But I digress. The longer I work with my company, the more I learn that communication is key to everything. It’s essential to the success in everyone’s professional and personal life. In business you need to communicate effectively with your employees, customers, and vendors to operate effectively. More importantly, communication is fundamental to a relationship.

Every relationship will have its highs and lows. It’s inevitable to have conflict in a relationship, but it doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. Without conflict, there is no progress. Communication on the other hand, is what helps you through the conflict. I know that’s cliché to talk about all this communication nonsense, and you’ve heard it all before, but it’s been on my mind lately.

I pride myself in (at least trying) communicating effectively. I’m working on really pushing myself to have those difficult conversations. I think that lack of communication, shows a lack of commitment to the relationship. If you’re not going to tell the truth and if you’re not going to reciprocate the effort, then you’re being disrespectful and it shows that you don’t care enough to work out the problem. I guess the next thing I need to learn is how to let go of a failing relationship.

These are the days. They always were. -K

We were in such a rush to get our driver license, to legally drink, to graduate, and basically get to someplace else.  I haven’t even officially started my career and I’m already thinking about how I can get promoted. I definitely think it’s our generation. We want instant gratification. We grew up in a world where everything had to be fast. The cars, the internet, the drugs of choice, the way we work, the way we socialize. I recently heard of people (younger than me) on eHarmony looking for a partner. Has it really come to that point? Where people in their early twenties cannot wait to find their significant other the old fashioned way?

What exactly are we rushing to? What are we expecting at the end of the tunnel?  I understand that it’s important to reach your goals in a timely manner. But what are we sacrificing to get there? I feel that I’m so busy rushing from home to school to work to home to school to work. Lather, rinse, repeat… you get it. And I’m so determined to get out of school, into corporate America and up the ladder. I’m missing out on some experiences. Mostly those carefree things that make you feel young. But who am I kidding, I’m that young anymore. I just might just be where I’m supposed to be. I feel like a hustler. And maybe that’s a good thing.

I believe that I’m on the right track. KNOCK ON WOOD. I hope my plans work out! Maybe the world isn’t rushing around that much, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just have that driven mentality. Now that I look at it, I see all these people I know putting their future on hold because of certain circumstances or loitering around in the college limbo that some people get sucked into and I’m happy that I’m in a rush to get somewhere and be somebody.

These are the days. They always were. -K

I had a dream last night; I was with two friends and one in particular that I haven’t had much contact with in quite some time. She made it clear that she wanted to rekindle our friendship. I woke up in a confused mood.

I had conflicting feelings. I thought I should’ve been happy that my friend wanted to reunite, but I was sad that this weird reality I’m living is permeating into my dreams. This reality where my friend(s) and I have to “rekindle” our relationship. It makes me question if the friendship we had was ever real. Because if it was, then we wouldn’t need to rekindle anything. If we were really friends then we’d pick up where we left off like no time had passed. But now I feel awkward, we’re totally different people, people who don’t even know each other. I feel like I’ve literally experienced a break-up. I felt heartache, resentment, confusion, regret and anger. I’ve been trying to ignore the situation but I guess I just can’t get away from it.

I’ve dwelled on this too long. I mourned, I wondered where I went wrong, and I wondered where they went wrong. In the end, no one person is to blame. We’re all to blame for this failure. And just like a break-up all we can do now is remember the good times, and maybe we can be friends again. Maybe…

These are the days. They always were. -K

I haven’t been here in forever, it feels refreshing to get the thoughts off my chest again…

I never really cared what other people thought of me. As long as I knew I was a good person it didn’t matter. But I recently had a training session at my internship called “perception is reality” and it really opened my eyes. The perception other people have of me is reality.  If people think I’m a bitch (and most people do) it’s because I act like a bitch. And I, unlike many people, accept this fact. They think I’m a bitch because sometimes I really am one, and I know that I am one. The people I love know that I love them, and the people I hate know that I hate them; I don’t have time to be fake and nice to everyone. No matter how good of a person I think I am, my outward actions toward others are all that count. Their perception of me is what defines me. And I can acknowledge that. Bottom line is… when someone is calling you this or that or whatever, don’t automatically assume they’re just talking shit. Look at yourself and try to figure out why they’re saying what they’re saying. More often than not, people don’t materialize lies out of thin air. People are observant and they just comment on what they see. If they call you a slut, you’re probably acting like one. So if you think you’re a good friend, be a good friend; if you think you’re not a slut, stop running around with so many randoms; if you’re a good person, you get the idea. Check your attitude.

Yeah I went there.

These are the days. They always were. -K

With age comes forgetfulness. I turned 22 years old a mere 6 days ago. Although I am another year older, I don’t think I am another year wiser. I realized that I don’t know a lot of things, and even worse, I may have forgotten things along the way too.

I have forgotten…

How it feels to look forward to a weekend of fun.

How it feels to have a girls’ night out.

How it feels to come home after midnight.

How it feels to roam around with friends looking for something to do.

How it feels to go out on a date.

How it feels to sit on the couch all day with my boyfriend.

How it feels to be able to talk on my phone anytime I want.

How it feels to have a normal conversation with my mom.

How it feels to be friends with my mom.

How it feels to be a good daughter.

How it feels to be young and carefree…

I may have forgotten a lot of things, but I haven’t forgotten that I have people who love me and one day they will help me remember.

These are the days. They always were. -K

I was sitting in my car yesterday and I saw my neighbor for the first time in years. He was getting out of his car toting his gym bag. As I watched him, I thought…Wow, when did he start driving? It feels as though not too long ago he was in first grade and I was his fifth-grade reading buddy. Where has the time gone? The past couple months I feel like I have been forced to grow up so suddenly. But the fact is, I’ve been grown up for a very long time, but I just haven’t felt that way because I’ve been spoiled.  Not spoiled with materialistic possessions but with the gift of a lack of responsibility.  But now that I want to be grown-up and make responsible decisions for myself it appears that the gift of irresponsibility was actually a restraint, a measure of control against me trying to become my own person.  What must I do to achieve self-reliance? If I can’t flourish in these confines what should I do? The obvious and reasonable thing to do is to escape my restrictions.  For my mental and physical health to develop and grow escape is the most logical action.  But how did it come to this? Why is it that escape has become the most favorable option? Whatever ever happened to compromise and negotiation? Where has the civility gone? Maybe the civility was never there… Maybe I was just trying to maintain civility by bending myself to conform to my confines.  They say the tree that bends never breaks.  But I am broken. I have been broken for some time now. I have left myself broken for too long and I need to put myself back together.  I need to start doing what is best for me.  I need to be a grown-up and start making the difficult decisions that will forever change my life.  If not now, when? When it’s too late? I don’t want to look back and have regret or resentment about how my life was below par and how my life lacked crucial growing experiences.  Now is the time for me to take control of my life, because it is only mine for the taking. I am a grown-up, I just need to start acting like one.

These are the days. They always were. -K

As circumstances change, I adapt to them in the hopes of making the best of the conditions. As time passes, the changes gradually become more normal and routine.  What once was new and uncharacteristic, could be normal now. Not too long ago, my world was drastically altered, and for the past several months I have been attempting to cope with my situation.  I learned to live without; without having this, doing that, seeing them and scores of other things.  Living without has unfortunately become normal to me.  However, on a rare occasion, I may get the chance to experience how my life used to be.  And when that small amount of time elapses, I can’t help but realize how much I miss the people in my life, how the people and the relationships I have with them have changed, maybe for good, how I have lost so many opportunities, and most of all, I am reminded of how I desperately wish things had not changed and how I desperately hope that I can salvage remnants of how things once were.  I hate how this has negatively impacted me and the people near to me; I am so sorry to everyone that this has affected. I hate how this was unjustly forced upon me.  I refuse to let this life be normal to me. I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable in these surroundings.  I have only come this far to satisfy my familial obligations, but I refuse to let this carry on.  I will establish my own definition of normal.

These are the days. They always were. -K

p.s. Sorry for whining, but I didn’t want to whine to you guys, so I might as well whine here. HA