Read Between The Lines.

I was sitting in my car yesterday and I saw my neighbor for the first time in years. He was getting out of his car toting his gym bag. As I watched him, I thought…Wow, when did he start driving? It feels as though not too long ago he was in first grade and I was his fifth-grade reading buddy. Where has the time gone? The past couple months I feel like I have been forced to grow up so suddenly. But the fact is, I’ve been grown up for a very long time, but I just haven’t felt that way because I’ve been spoiled.  Not spoiled with materialistic possessions but with the gift of a lack of responsibility.  But now that I want to be grown-up and make responsible decisions for myself it appears that the gift of irresponsibility was actually a restraint, a measure of control against me trying to become my own person.  What must I do to achieve self-reliance? If I can’t flourish in these confines what should I do? The obvious and reasonable thing to do is to escape my restrictions.  For my mental and physical health to develop and grow escape is the most logical action.  But how did it come to this? Why is it that escape has become the most favorable option? Whatever ever happened to compromise and negotiation? Where has the civility gone? Maybe the civility was never there… Maybe I was just trying to maintain civility by bending myself to conform to my confines.  They say the tree that bends never breaks.  But I am broken. I have been broken for some time now. I have left myself broken for too long and I need to put myself back together.  I need to start doing what is best for me.  I need to be a grown-up and start making the difficult decisions that will forever change my life.  If not now, when? When it’s too late? I don’t want to look back and have regret or resentment about how my life was below par and how my life lacked crucial growing experiences.  Now is the time for me to take control of my life, because it is only mine for the taking. I am a grown-up, I just need to start acting like one.

These are the days. They always were. -K

As circumstances change, I adapt to them in the hopes of making the best of the conditions. As time passes, the changes gradually become more normal and routine.  What once was new and uncharacteristic, could be normal now. Not too long ago, my world was drastically altered, and for the past several months I have been attempting to cope with my situation.  I learned to live without; without having this, doing that, seeing them and scores of other things.  Living without has unfortunately become normal to me.  However, on a rare occasion, I may get the chance to experience how my life used to be.  And when that small amount of time elapses, I can’t help but realize how much I miss the people in my life, how the people and the relationships I have with them have changed, maybe for good, how I have lost so many opportunities, and most of all, I am reminded of how I desperately wish things had not changed and how I desperately hope that I can salvage remnants of how things once were.  I hate how this has negatively impacted me and the people near to me; I am so sorry to everyone that this has affected. I hate how this was unjustly forced upon me.  I refuse to let this life be normal to me. I refuse to allow myself to get comfortable in these surroundings.  I have only come this far to satisfy my familial obligations, but I refuse to let this carry on.  I will establish my own definition of normal.

These are the days. They always were. -K

p.s. Sorry for whining, but I didn’t want to whine to you guys, so I might as well whine here. HA

When will we know if we’re good enough? I think that I’m a good person and I try to live my life admirably.  I try to be helpful, considerate of others’ feelings, admit when I’m wrong, and learn from and fix my mistakes… But why is it that we’re never quite good enough to the people who matter the most to us? If we’re trying our hardest what else could we possibly give?  What is better than our best? Nothing. We’re already giving our all, so there is nothing else to give. Despite what anyone says, I think, as long as we’re trying our best, we’re most definitely good enough. We have to believe in ourselves and acknowledge our self-worth, or no one else will.  After we gain that confidence, all we can do is hope that others will believe in us too. I just wish that one day you will believe in me and I will finally be good enough for you.

These are the days. They always were. -K

I like to read. I also like my share of happy endings. Whether it be lovers riding off into the sunset or receiving well-deserved justice.  I just finished reading The Great Gatsby yesterday – (I know most of you read it in high school, but I honestly have not read an assigned novel since middle school. I prefer books of my own accord. But I wanted to see what all the hype was about, so I finally decided to pick it up and find out.) – and the ending was not what I expected at all; and in my opinion, somewhat unfair.  There were no lovers riding off into the sunset, and no justice to be found. But I realized that life isn’t fair and that the book was a realistic portrayal of true life.  The deeper I dig into the book, I think the more I like it. Life is filled with scandal, betrayal, love, joy, sorrow, and disappointments.  Maybe happy endings are what you make of the situations you are in.  If you embrace the negative aspects of your life, you’re causing stress for yourself and purposefully making yourself unhappy. You cant let the bad energy consume your life. If we can somehow manage to circumnavigate the negativities in life we’re creating our own happy endings.  Just living day-to-day with your sights on the silver lining or the bright side is finding your happy ending.  It’s not what happened, but what lesson you learned and how you grew as a person after it happened. Everyone has their own happiness, it’s just a matter of finding it.

These are the days. They always were. -K

I have been getting a lot of empty words lately. People have been saying “I’ll do this or that” but they never follow through.  It makes me wonder if they honestly meant what they said but the circumstances were against them, or if they were just pretending to care to shut me up/please me, or if they intentionally wanted to disappoint me? Unlike some people, I would much rather hear the truth, despite whether or not it is in my favor, than to receive lies and false promises.  I do not like to be led on to believe, just to get my hopes up, and to be burned in the end.  I think it is far better to have never gotten your hopes up, than to have them taken away.  If you cannot be do something or go somewhere, you should be sincere from the start. Although the immediate honesty may injure the other person at first, they will appreciate it more than the hurt and disappointment they will later experience.

*UGH! I just hate flakes and liars.  If you say you’re going then GO! If you can’t go then just say you can’t. If you say you’re going to do something then DO IT! If you aren’t going to do something then just say you won’t.  It may sound simple, but apparently it’s harder than it seems.

Theses are the days. They always were. -K

I did not know what to expect.
I took it one day at a time.
I made mistakes, a lot of them.
I got a second chance.
I got a third, a fourth, a fifth…
I am absurdly lucky and blessed.
I fall more in love every day.
I never expected Carlo Castañeda.

These are the days. They always were. -K

I don’t like to play the victim.  I try not to dwell on the negative.  I try to stay positive and put on a brave face.  When there is a bump in the road I try to minimize its severity with humor and indifference or avoid it altogether.  I thought that was the strong thing to do.  I thought that showing emotion or vulnerability was a weakness.  But everyone has a limit to how much they can push aside until they explode or break down.  My tenacious façade finally collapsed, and I realized that it is completely natural to surrender to emotion and there is nothing wrong with taking a fall.  How you recover and proceed after your fall is the true reflection of your strength and bravery.  I want to get up, but it is harder that I thought it would be.  Some days are easier than others, but the point is, you have to at least try.  An attempt to succeed and overcome is the strongest and bravest thing to do.  The end result is not important, but the effort you exerted in your quest to rise above is the most important.  Keep your head up and have unswerving perseverance when facing adversity.

These are the days. They always were. -K

Time is the passing of minutes, hours, days, months and years…other than that, what does time represent? It can represent countless of different things.  Most commonly, time is used to measure maturity and relationships.

Physical age and maturity do not always go hand in hand.  There can be circumstances where a 13-year-old can exercise more maturity than a 30-year-old.  And for those who are fortunate enough to reach a desirable level of maturity, what good is it if others disregard their maturity because it conflicts with age or just disregard it all together.  From a girl’s perspective I have found there is great debate about when it is appropriate to start wearing certain clothes or makeup, being romantically involved, getting married, etc.  However I feel that there should not be a debate. Each individual will reach their mature state at different times and will be ready to do things on their own time.  And who is to say when the right time will arrive? Society? Parents? I understand that society and parents are here to guide, but I feel that sometimes they interfere with learning experiences instead of fostering them.  Maturity needs to be supported not restricted.

On a separate note, is a six-year relationship better than a six-month relationship? Though six years together is an accomplishment on its own, what if it was dry and lifeless where the bad times heavily outweighed the good times?  On the other hand, six months is barely halfway through a year, but if those months were filled with excitement and camaraderie it can be argued that six months is better than six years.  In a relationship the memories you make, the bond you build, and the quality of substance is far more important than the length of time together.  One can only hope that the relationships they’ve established are filled with good memories and have forged strong bonds that can withstand the difficulties that every relationship will surely encounter.

It seems that time may be an inaccurate measure of maturity and relationships.  In my opinion the experiences you undergo and how you choose to spend your time is a better gauge of your maturity and the state of your relationships.  So embrace new experiences, embrace your loved ones and remember that time is insignificant, its the things you do that are significant.

These are the days. They always were. -K

p.s. I hope the saying “Time heals all things” really is true!!! puhleeeese.

Recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining a lot about the littlest things. I feel like I am turning into a wailer and it is stressing me out. It seems as if the people around me have been moaning and groaning more than usual too. This is definitely not an appealing attribute on anyone. I am not only getting annoyed of people bitching, but I am kind of getting tired of being a whiner as well. School is hectic but with time management it is manageable. Just balance it. Work is tedious but it pays the bills. Just deal with it. Friends and family may be irritating at times but they are the ones that love you. Just accept them for who they are. Life is never going to be perfect, so whether it is about school, work, or friends and family I think the world would be the tiniest bit better without all the griping. We need to learn to let the insignificant matters slide. There are so many good things happening to us and we overlook them because we give all our attention to the negative aspects of our lives. We have to rise above it and think of the bigger picture and who and what truly matters at the end of the day.

If you need help rising above it listen to “Samantha James – Rise”

These are the days. They always were. -K

This year, on January 14th I turned 21 years old. Everyone told me that it would be an exciting fun-filled year. I believed them, but my intuition told me that this year would be more than amusing; it would be groundbreaking, unlike any other that has preceded it. In the first few months of this year I have already experienced so many cornerstone changes. I feel more mature then ever, both physically and emotionally. Always a fortress of solitude, expressing my feelings and emotions openly was a challenge, but I feel I have finally been exposed to raw emotions, leading me to be the crybaby I never knew I could be. I feel I can actually visualize my future; it is no longer a far off thought, but a real event that is fast approaching after my small number of remainder semesters in college are completed. All these changes are overwhelming, but I have realized that they are necessary. Instead of resisting the changes, I need to welcome them. Without change we are stagnant and unproductive. Change is a progression. Is that not what we all strive for, to progress further and make something of our lives? Why is it that we are so afraid of change then? Change is the key to the ignition of the car we call life. Enjoy the ride.

These are the days. They always were. -K